My Life in Thailand

Suddenly the dishes are done, there are appetizers, dinner is ready, clothes are clean. All of these things I have gone so long without ever noticing the hard work or time put into making everything run smoothly. All unnoticed and unthanked. The mothers and care givers of our lives do so much and we never notice. It always goes unspoken and without expecting a thank you. I have been lucky most of my life to have an amazing mother who never expected a thank you and does amazing things for all of us in her family every day. I have never understood all she did until I realize how much I have learned from her. She has the most amazing ability to create the perfect meal out of nothing. I can't count the number of times I have heard myself or my brother complain that there is nothing to eat and then she creates something out of nothing. That is one of her best talents finding something amazing out of nothing with food, friends, life, education and family. I loose at the lottery or a game show and she say "think about how much better it will feel when you get something because you saved and it wasn't given to you". She can always make something out of nothing no matter what it is. I know I sound like the three year old who things there mom is a god with that said there. Ever since she said this too me there isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about this and want to save and do thing without loans and deals but all me. Which to my generation is a hard concept to grasp. know I sound like the three year old who things there mom is a god with that said there I still days where I catch myself talking for 30 min to someone about all the great things my mom dose and I realize I still think she is a god. Not only has she taught me this but 5000 other things one I learned today is making awesome appetizers! Thanks mom!

It all started with a 19 hour bus ride and Nina and I. We were up all night talking and now my brain has gone crazy with questions. What if we actually started an orphanage or something along those lines? Where do you even begin? This has been the daily conversation either with Nina or in my head for the last two weeks… let me tell you its exhausting… I feel like the 4 year old who is always asking why? Why? Why?

How do you give a child prostitute hope? Or more importantly how can the children we play with everyday still have hope and give love so easily after all they have been through? Today I was at the drop in center working and there was a four year old little boy that they found living on the streets and one side of his face was completely burned and covered in blisters because his father held him over a fire trying to kill him and he somehow escaped and then the director of the center found him and now he is living there with the other kids. I played with him today and he was laughing, dancing and smiling and was so excited and happy to play. . How can you go through just a few weeks before and bounce back? Children are amazing.
How do you start a program to help people? Not help I always struggle with this word. I don’t want to help. Whenever I say the word help I feel like it means something is wrong with them or they aren’t doing something right. I want to give, encourage, love, smile, teach, be inspired, and be loved and taught. I want to show children that they too can get the chance to get what they want. I want to provide children with a place they can be happy and safe. I want to inspire them, allow them to imagine and love without having to worry. I want them to “help” me and teach me while I teach them. How do you turn dreams into reality? How do you give people the skills to be self sufficient? How do you help but allow independence to grow? How do you help people from another culture without changing them to be similar to mine? Where do you even begin? What if it fails? When will I settle down? Will I be able to get support? Will Nina really do start a program with me? Why do I always seem to have to do things a little bit different than everyone else? Why are women still not safe to walk alone at night? How do you make it safe? How do you lead when you have no idea where you are going? Why do I not feel content getting married and raising a family? What makes me want more? Why do I think I can help? There is a part of me that is envious of the people that simply want to stay at home and work and have a family. It’s a happy simile life that provides the love and the safety that you need. Why do I have this constant itch to do something more than that? Where did it come from? People change the world everyday but am I really strong enough for that? Am I just young and Naive? Do I have it in me? Can I stay inspired after years of this lifestyle? It seems so hard to keep the fire burning and not let it get put out by all of the bad. So needless to say every night lately I have been going to bed with a headache…..

Today was an amazing day. I am in Laos now and we are in Vang Vieng which in the city is like the Khaosan road of Bangkok. Which means that hundreds of white people flock here to drink huge amount of alcohol lose all respect for themselves and disrespect the culture while they are at it. but there is great shopping... So needless to say this is not Nina and I's style. But outside the city on the other hand is amazing. It is surrounded by huge mountains and the edge of the city sits right on the MeaKong River. So Nina and decided to rent bikes and go ride outside the city where we both feel in love all over again with traveling, children, family and life. We had been riding around and then we met up with our friend Mette who traveled here 2 years ago and met a family and so she invited us to go to their house outside the city and stay with them for the day. It was about a 30 min bike ride out to their house so it was a nice escape from the city and see how the people here live. When we got there we were greeted by a huge happy family with chickens, pigs, a huge garden and 5 children. They were so excited to see us and they welcomed us into their house and fed us lunch. It was so great to see the way the Lao people live and what their life is like. The family owns a bar down on the river but since it is the rainy season it was washed away so they lost everything. But they are happy as can be. In the states no one that loses their jobs is that happy. It’s just a different way of life here. A way of living that I wish I could do. Where your bar and job washes down the river and you just move on and start whatever is next and don’t think about what you lost but what is next. It’s a strange thing to see a family with "nothing" but everything all at once. I find myself more envious of their life than proud of mine. I think this a lot when I travel. We are so rich in material items but what else? But anyways on with the story. So after lunch we ended up going and helping them start to build a new bar and played with the children. Then they told us they wanted us to stay for dinner and they were going to have a ceremony for us to bring us good luck in life and our travels. This is when for me it got a little ugly because they wanted to sacrifice a duck and a chicken for us as good luck. For them this is a really big deal to kill their animals and they only do it for special occasions but for me it will take many years in therapy to recover. So they killed the chicken and duck for us and then they cooked this huge meal with fried bugs and sticky rice and vegetables and they invited all of their friends from all over the city and then once all the cooking was done we went into the house and they set the chicken and duck on this big platter and it had boiled eggs and all of these white sting bracelets. Then each person at the table had to say a prayer of good luck and health to each person and then you tie one on them. So each person there tied one on me and then me on them. So by the end we all had about 20 bracelets on our hands. Then they went and boiled the duck and chicken (with the feet and head still on). Once it was done cooking we had to eat it. Kidneys, liver, heart, head, feet and all. But after every piece you eat you have to take a shot of the strongest alcohol ever or chug a glass of beer. So if you know me… meat and I don’t really get along especially when I just saw it get killed. So every piece I was suppose to eat I would slide on to Nina’s plate but for every piece I made Nina eat she made me drink her alcohol. When it was finally over Nina once again had diarrhea and I could barley walk. Let me tell you the bike ride home in the dark was not pretty but really funny. Then once it was over the kids taught us how to play games and we play for hours they were so sweet. I never wanted to leave. I could have lived the rest of my life in that house with them. They made us promise to come back next year. So I finally have another excuse to come back! So be ready mom and dad!

When I came to Thailand last year I felt the happiest I have ever felt in my life. I could be whoever I wanted. I was strong and inspired and ready to take on the world. Then when I came home I moved to Ashland and though it took a long time to get back on my feet I did it and eventually I found a way to love it there. I made it my home like Thailand once was. Now coming back I feel caught between these two perfect worlds. I find myself thinking in such black and white. I cannot find the happy gray or the balance between the two. It is like being in love with two amazing people. Who do you choose? What life do you live? I know I can’t have the best of both worlds but I constantly feel like I have to choose which life I want.

Do I want the life of a traveler? Where everyday is a new experience. You are constantly uncomfortable and out of your element and never know what’s next. It's exciting but also terrifying. The life where I can make friends anywhere I go but am constantly leaving them. Do I want to live in a foreign place all my life? Though it would become home there are cultural difference I feel like I can never understand. I will always be the big white girl who everyone stares at and is always sweaty and has diarrhea no matter how well I speak Thai or understand the culture. It's like I will never be an equal. Being back here feels so right and so happy but I keep feeling conflicted. Even though it's dirty, loud, smells horrible, there is something about Thailand, the orphanage, the islands that always draws me back for more. But I don't think I have it in me to walk away from the babies at the orphanage one more time. I feel like I have to make the decision to give something more to them or nothing at all. I can’t keep coming and going. I am no different than the parents that left them there. I love them like they are my own and even after a year not a day has gone by when I didn’t think about them. Yet I choose myself. I loved and then left them once again with nothing. I am just teaching them that everyone in their life walks away. Though I come back it is never the same and never will be unless I commit my life to actually being the person that stays and gives them what they actually deserve. I know I could live here forever. Though I may never truly belong I could make a life. Both Nina and I talk about it everyday how even though we stick out like a sore thumb here some how we seem to fit and we make ourselves fit but eventually we have to decided which life we want.

Then I have the second life that the other part of me is in love with. Ashland. Home. Family. Though this place is far from perfect as well it still has a huge part of me. Last time I came to Thailand there was no turning back. I was set on living here forever at some point. I hated my life in America and couldn't imagine wanting to stay there. But now I love my life there and can’t imagine leaving that behind as well. I crave the late afternoon runs, waking up to the sun shinning almost everyday, my friends, my education, my inspiration the help my country be a better place. Though there are so many things wrong with this place as well I have learned to love it unconditionally like I always love Thailand. I never thought this would happen. I always see the bad side of America traveling and but there is so much good that is often over shadowed by the bad. In the end Thailand and American and everywhere all seem the same. We are all just trying to get by make a life, survive, our governments all do horrible things, we all do horrible things but somehow make up for it, we go through good and bad, happy and sad but in the end we have our friends, children and family that ease the pain and make it happy not matter where you are from or how rich or poor you are.

So this is where I get stuck. I know there is a balance and I could live in America and travel every year and come see the babies and also explore new places. But that is not what I want. This time I am really seeing how tourism is destroying countries like Thailand. We come in their country and take there resources, build ridiculous hotels with pools, gyms, and spas. The tourists " go on vacation" and loose every once of self respect getting crazy drunk and taking advantage of all the women in this country and we just watch the people sit back and allow because they have no choice. Money makes that choice for them. I feel like the tourist came here and taught the happy, loving, sharing Thai people the western selfish materialistic values. Though we did not intend to do this I feel l like we have. This is why I don’t want to be a normal tourist. I want to go and learn to live like them and understand them not force them to accommodate my needs just because I have money. I want to live and be a part of them. This is how I felt at the orphanage last year.

I can picture these two lives in my head. I am caught between the two and I cannot find the balance. These are dreams so be prepared for them to seem easy and perfect but that’s
what happens when you dream. Life one is filled with foreign countries and mystery and helping the world one kid at a time. I know it sounds a little stupid but it also sounds perfect. I start an orphanage and Nina and I make that dream come true. But then there is this other side this other life. Where I stay in America where I belong where all is comfortable. I have my family my friends. I start my own family. I find a way to help my own country because we all know right now to really needs it. Why should I be out trying to fix other parts of the world when my own country is in such need? I know eventually I will find the middle ground between the two but right now I am so conflicted between the two. I feel like I have to make this huge decision but I know in the end it will work out it always does but for now I am stuck in the middle. Looking for balance.

Religion has been on my mind for a few weeks now I have been thinking a lot about church and when the last time I went was.... and well I cant even remember the last time. But then I tried to think about it in another way... the last time I felt religious or spiritual...and that was almost everyday. When I sit in a church pew usually I think about what kind of donuts we will get when it's over...sad I know. But the times in my life when I have felt the most over come with spirituality have been when I go lay at the park in a perfect breeze and look up at a flawless blue sky or an amazing sunset or laughing so hard I cry with a friend. I always have felt a connection that no church has ever made me feel. I went to church my whole childhood and I never felt that once. So I am at a loss have I just not connected with the right religion yet or am I just slowly learning that finding "god" in everything I do? So doesn't it seem right to go in a building to listen to some man I don’t know when I can walk outside and practically feel a connection and a meaning to it all.

It doesn’t matter where you are it matters who you are with...that statement is becoming more true for me everyday. In the last 7 months when I think of all the amazing places I was able to see in the end none of that matters to me. What was important the whole time was who I was with. People I trusted, loved, and cared about surrounded me. I loved them for who they were and they did the same for me. I never had relationships that went both ways so smoothly. We all learned and laughed together. During the happiest times we were exploring streets with 230 prostitutes, homeless dogs, dirty water, and garbage all around us yet it never matter. Now I am find myself in one of the most beautiful places I have ever lived but at the same time the loneliest I have ever felt. While I was gone in Thailand I finally felt like I really understood what I wanted and the people I was around supported and encouraged me and I felt proud to be me and now I feel like I left to soon before I was ready to come home and be the new me all alone. I'm trying to take the girl I was in there and make her fit in here. I feel like i'm trying to make a square into a circle. I just wish there was a book of life that said turn to page 2,342,785 and it will tell you what to do next. Baically Im back to just feeling like an upside down fish….

So for those of you who didn’t know…. I’m back in the good old United States of America. And I have to admit some days are better than others. It had only been 4 days but I feel like I am at a constant battle with myself. To take what I learned and what I saw and really let it change me and not just fall back into the routine of my old life, which seems to easy. It feels like since Thailand stopped being my reality it wasn’t real and I just don’t want to forget how powerful, inspired and passionate I felt there with my friends, my work and the children. So instead of boring everyone and myself with self-pity I’m going to reminisce on some of the memories I love:
Once again, one last bus story. It was the bus from Siem Rep to Pronom Pen in Cambodia. The whole time that Nina, Marlene, and I were in Cambodia we all kind of felt like jerks. It all started on the first day when we arrived and our bus driver said “okay here we are at the bus station and in 10 min your next bus will come and pick you up” Marlene and I looked out the window and at the “bus station” and it was just a field with dirt and 3 plastic chairs and Marlene and I looked at each other and laughed out loud and then Nina had to slap me and get me back in line like she was my mom (she had to do that often). Once our second bus arrived at the new and improved bus station we went to our hotel. It was a bunch of young guys that owned it so we while we stayed there we kind of became friends. Then one night our air conditioning broke (the fact we had air conditioning was bad) and it was sooooo hot after sweating profusely we finally went and asked if we could have a fan. When we went down there they were all already sleeping and they were just sleeping on the tile floor in their work clothes with no pillows or anything and we all had our own huge beds. We all stood on the stairs and just looked at them then back in our room and all the three of could say was “wow we are jerks”. So we just went back and sweat for the night. But anyways we didn’t really feel like we were leaving the best impressions on the Cambodian people so far. But back to the siem rep-prnom pen bus story. It was Nina, Marlene and I and they sat together and I sat by the window and with my little Cambodian friend but I will have to get to her later. For me usually when I buy a bus ticket I expect to have my own seat and I am fine with that. It just seems normal. But when we got on it was all people from Cambodia and us. But they didn’t have one seat each they had their whole families in two seats. One mom, one dad, a grandma and 4 kids all in 2 seats. And then we had to have our own seats. From the second we got on the bus people were looking at us…but actually they weren’t looking they were all just blatantly staring at us. Nina was sitting 3 seats in front of me and halfway through the ride called me and just said “ is everyone still just staring at you?” and I just said yes and then she said “okay I just wanted to make sure bye.” Now its time for my little seat partner. First of all the whole time I was in Thailand I just had a huge problem. They are so small there and 80% of the time I felt like King Kong. The women sitting next to me was probably half my size. For all 4 hours she NEVER took her eyes off me once and she cuddled right next to my arm and just stared at me. Then I had a bottle of water and I took a drink and then she pointed at it and I gave her the bottle to have a drink and instead of just drinking it she poured it into the cap and took little sips from it. I must look like I have bad germs or something. After she finished drinking she snuggled right back in. And as many of you might know I’m not really into cuddling but there was not really much I could do about it. And of course to add to the trip we had to have the daily douse of techno music the whole bus ride…its sort of starting to grow on me. Then when we got there it was a little scary. Its low travel season so the people in Cambodia are a little desperate. They saw us and as we were driving up they started chasing the bus and they police had to come because hundreds of people were yelling at us trying to sell us things and take us to their hotel. The police had to stand and block them to let us off. All three of us just wanted to stay on the bus. But we got off and survived like always.

I remember a few years ago when I was an angry teenager my uncle said that when I was a little girl every morning I used to wake up with a big smile no matter what and that he knew someday that little girl would come back. After he said that I was so sad wondering where I had gone and why I couldn’t be like that anymore. Then last night my friend Nina and I were out at Blue Moon Bar ( the best place on earth) and we were talking about what we were going to miss the most about Thailand and how much we were going to mi ss each other because she goes back to Denmark on Monday. We talked about it all the babies, our friends, Lam, Ko Samet, the Ken allen house and each other. Then she said that the thing she would miss most about me was how for that last 6 months every morning when we would get up for work or just to go lay on the beach I was always smiling and happy. She couldn’t believe that every morning no matter what time we went to bed or whatever I woke up smiling. It made me so happy becasue I finally feel like Im back to the little girl I was so long ago. It took a long time to get back there. I had a lot of scars from relationships and just life that were a lot deeper than I ever even realized and no one could heal them but myself. I was really broken down and now I feel like im finally “whole” again and I dont need a boy, or ballet, or anything else to make me feel complete. I feel like I can now look back at the past and understand what I learned from it instead of being scared of it. When I first came to Thailand I wasnt sure if it was the best choice becasue of school and just something so different than everyone else and now I am so grateful for the time I was given here and everything I learned. I finally understand a parents need to protect their child no matter what or who gets in their way. That was something I always struggled with and now it just seems so obvious to me. I feel like I have learned so much about healthy relationships and how important they are to have in your life and you dont have to keep everyone in your life if they dont make it better. When I was dancing I felt like thats all I was....a dancer. I didnt know anything else and I was scared to walk away from something that I thought defined me. But what I found out was there is so much more that defines a person than that. Its much more complex. Once again I am shocked at how fast time flys by. Nina leaves on Monday and Taylor gets here the same day and then its time to go home....

This week has been the week of bugs. It all started on Friday night. I was in my room reading a book and Nina went to go downstairs to get some water and then I heard her call me name “Hayley come down here right now!” (I thought she was dieing or something). I ran out of my room and she was standing on the stairs and there was a HUGE bug like the size of my head….well actually my hand at the bottom of the stairs. So we both stood there in shock for 2 minuets and it kept moving its head around and watching us. So then I decided I would go and get the broom and a party hat and scoop it up in it and take it outside. So I tried and it got away and was flying around the house. So Nina ran in the kitchen and I ran outside and then she was trapped in the kitchen with a towel on her head screaming and I was outside laughing so hard I almost wet my pants. Then finally the guard that sits outside my house started yelling “mot mot” which means ant ( and let me tell you it WASN’T an ant) and he went in the house and trapped it and then took it outside and let it go. So that was the first bug then the next day Nina and I went to this little night market. We were walking around and they always have a ton of bugs that you can eat like ants, crickets, frogs and beetles…just lots of bugs they cook and people eat them. But that just seems normal to me now. But tonight at the market there was a women with spiders….but not any just spiders they were huge hairy spiders literally the size of my hand or bigger and she just had a whole bucket full of them and a barbecue and was barbecuing them like they were meat. She also had 2 just hanging out on her shirt like they were friends. So Nina and I just stood there and stared for like 10 min. Then we deiced it was time to go home. So we went outside and go on a sungtow ( basically a bus but in pickup form) and I was sitting next to some Thai lady and then she opened her bag and guess what she pulls out?? A Barbecued spider!!! She just opened the bag and pulled off one of its legs and ate it like it was normal to eat a huge hairy beast. Nina and I almost died. Then we came home to attack of the ants but that’s nothing new there are more ants here than I have ever seen in my life and they love to attack everything including my arms and legs. So the ant attack just added to the bug madness.

My last few days I have been spending as much time with Om as possible and also at the drop in center. I didn’t get to work there that much when I was teaching but now that I get the chance I have been going as much as possible. It is amazing there. It is a place for kids any age that are living on the streets to go and get food, medical care, a bed, and they can go to school. The volunteers teach English there and also just go and play. I am in the process of packing and I am basically getting rid of everything thing I own so I took 3 bags full of clothes and shoes down there today and then played with the kids and it was soo great. There are about 4 boys who are probably 4-6 years old and they are the sweetest kids I have ever met. They just so badly want someone to love them and play with them and I just can’t believe that they are living on the streets. We played uno and colored and painted and they just laugh and play. Then I was talking to one of the child protection people who works there and he was talking about how its so good for the kids to play with white people that aren’t freaks because most of them only know white people from prostitution. Especially the girls most of them their families sold them into prostitution and now they live alone on the streets and they are only 9 or 10 years old. They are all so sweet I am so lucky that I get to go and spend time with them.
It’s so surreal that I only have 3 days left! It seems like I stepped off of the plane yesterday. It will be so strange not to be here anymore. Thailand has become a part of me and really made me discover who and I am and who I want to be. There was a time when I felt like the only thing that defined me was ballet but now it seems like so much more is important than that. But I really can’t imagine how life will be at home. I am excited for what’s next but its heart breaking to leave this behind. I am going to miss Om so much I really hope that someday I can figure out a way to adopt her. I know it sounds crazy but I can’t imagine my life without her in it. It’s going to be hard to say the least. My roommate and I were both talking about how much this place has become a part of us in the most simple ways. Being here slowly changed us both and became a part of me that I will never forget.

15 more days and I have been here for 6 months. I have really been trying to make a lot of decisions lately and I finally decided that I am going to finish working at the orphanage on April 6th!! I can’t believe how soon that is! My last day of teaching is on Tuesday we have finals and then all of the students go home for summer vacation. I have spent a long time thinking about the next two months. I could continue working here or go and travel with my roommate. She leaves on May 6th and we have become so close that I want to spend as much time as possible with her because we don’t know when we will see each other again. It’s going to be soo hard to leave but I really think that it will be the best thing to do. A group of new volunteers come in April and they move into the Ken Allen house where I live now and I will have to move out when they come so it would be really hard to not live there anymore. I just feel like I got my turn here at the orphanage and now its time for someone else to get the experience. Last night I was talking to Saichoon one of the older orphan boys who is one of the best friends I have ever had and he is moving to Bangkok on the 26th for college and both of us just started crying because we don’t know when we will see each other again. Its hard to have friends when you know you have to leave and it could be years until you see them again. I do feel like since I left point park last year I have really learned how to kind of “roll with the punches” and that no matter where you are or what you are doing you can find a way to be happy and make it good. I used to never be able to do that but this past year it has been easier to just accepted people and life for what it is and love it instead of change try to change it. So hopefully when I leave here I can be excited for what’s next. On April 6th Nina and I are going to go to Laos. We both have to leave the country for our visa run so we will go there for 10 days. We are going sail for two days up this huge river and then go hiking up a mountain and camp. Which im soo excited about. Then we are going to come back to Thailand and meet up with another one of the volunteers and go back to Koh Samet ( my second home) for a whole week!!!! Then we are coming back to the orphanage for a few days for the Thai New Year. They have a big celebration in Pattaya. After that we are going to Cambodia for a week. Then we are going to Bangkok to visit Sai Choon and then Nina leaves and I have two weeks by myself and then my brother comes and I still have to plan with him. I’m excited for what’s next and Nina and I have so much fun together I can’t wait!

All of the orphans at the orphanage have finished school so the volunteers get to teach them English in the afternoons. Nina and I were assigned the students that are 14 and older. We really wanted our class to be fun since it is their summer vacation so we decided to take them all to the beach. We arranged a trip to take 17 of them to the beach. So we got permission for all of them and then Derek a man that works at the orphanage who is really close to all of the older students came with us. We left at about 3:00 on Friday and it took a really long time to get to the beach because there was a lot of traffic but we finally made it there. When we got there we found some chairs and then Siachoon one of the students brought his guitar and he played and we sang and then we all went swimming and got in a huge mud fight. We got everyone to swim and play. Which never happens so that was fun. Then we played soccer. We had a huge soccer match and I am sooooo bad at soccer no one wanted me on their team and Derek is really bad too so we counted as one person. Then we ordered food and ate dinner on the beach as the sun was setting. It was really great. It was nice to be able to take them all out without any of the nuns or teachers from the orphanage. I think it was good for the students to get out and feel like they were sort of free. I think they all had a really good time. I am trying to get permission to take them to the movies sometime next week. Tomorrow I am taking my students from Mahathai where I teach in the mornings to the beach. Which I am really excited for it should be fun.

So once again last weekend I went to Koh Samet again with my roommate. And once again it was amazing!!! We had Sunday stand by last weekend. So that means you get Friday afternoon off and Saturday and then you have to work all day Sunday. So we left on Friday afternoon and then we got there at about 3:00. We found a hotel that only cost 300 bat which was great! It was nice and really cheap so that was really perfect. Then we went swimming and laid of the beach for awhile and after we went out for dinner that night and went to all of the same places and now we have friends there so its even more fun than before. Then we danced again from12:00 until 5:00am. Then on Saturday we played at the beach all day and we decided that we were going to be risk takers and go party all night until 6:00 am and then get a speedboat home and then a taxi and make it back to work by 8:00 on Sunday. Because Nina and I never do anything like that so we decided it would be fun. We found a speedboat and taxi company and arranged everything and then went out for dinner and got ready for the night. And we did it we stayed out all night until 6:00 am. Then at 6:00 we went to the beach and got on our speed boat and as we were driving home it was still dark outside and the wires under the seat we were sitting on started to smoke and burn. And the driver stopped the boat and all of these wires were on fire. And it was still dark out and the driver was just pulling out the wires and I was lighting it all with my cell phone. Nina and I were both sure we were going to die. And then somehow the man fixed it with out killing anyone, which is amazing. And we made it back to Rayong and then took a taxi back to Pattaya just in time for work. But let me tell you Sunday was one of the longest days of my life. It rained all day so all the babies had to stay inside all day long and it was soo long. But I survived and it was worth it because Nina and I had so much fun.

This weekend 6 of the other girl volunteers and I went to Koh Samet! I used to always think that Disneyland was the happiest place on earth but man was I wrong because it is defiantly Koh Samet. We left on Friday at 12 after work and got there at about 3. It was a Thai holiday this weekend so we were really lucky that we were able to find a little bungalow to stay in. We had to walk half way around the world but we finally found a place to stay. Once we got our room we went straight to the beach. We just swam and laid on the beach for a few hours and then at about 5:30 some cute Thai boys that worked at the beach bar that we were laying by came out to start cleaning up all of the sand and getting ready for that night. He was sweeping the sand and cleaning it and we were all watching and he asked if I wanted to help him. So I got up and I cleaned it all for them and he said that he has asked about 30 girls since he worked there to clean the beach and none of them ever did it except me so he would give all my friends a free drinks that night. So that made everyone really happy. Nina and Crystina and I went back to our room and got ready and then we went out to a restaurant and had the best fried rice in the world. After dinner we went to a few bars and it was just soo amazing to hang out with people the same age as us. Living in Pattaya all the people are old, ugly, and gross. But the people at Koh Samet and all young and amazing. We never see people our age. So all of us were soooo excited. We met so many new friends it was great. Then we went and danced all night long. Nina and I seriously danced from 12:00 until 4:45 in the morning when they finally turned off the music. Basically every day and night we did the same thing. We would lay on the beach all day. Go eat fried rice then go out and dance and be crazy. We were never home before 6 am each night. Then on Sunday the last evening instead of taking the ferry home because the last one is at 5 and we wanted to stay longer we rented a speed boat and so right at sunset the speed boat took us home which was really fun and beautiful to see it right at sunset. Nina and I were ready to quit our jobs and just stay there forever. I seriously could live there forever! But this weekend Nina and I have Sunday standby which means you get Friday and Saturday off and then we have to work all day Sunday. So we are going back again for Friday and Saturday! I’m so excited. I think I might spend everyday I get off there from now on...

I know its been a long time since I updated last. When I am at home I always use the computer and internet but here it is much less of a necessity. I don't need it like i do at home. So its hard sometimes to keep up on my journal...but im back and writing again! The last few weeks have once again been amazing! I have really gotten into my routine here. Everyday I work and teach and then my roommate and I go out for dinner. Then we go running and then we sit outside everynight and talk to Siachoon, Lam, jon, and seawa. Four of the orphans here who speak English really well. Nina (my roommate) and I have gotten really close to them and its been great. They are such good friends and they really help us understand how it feels to be and orphan and live at the orphanage. I think we have finally broke that "im white and you are thai" thing. For some reason its hard to get to know people here when you are white. It takes a long time for them to really be themselves around you but I feel like finally they are treating us like they treat eachother. Which makes me soo happy. Then once a week Lam and siachoon come and cook us Thai food. We all go shopping at Carrefour ( the most amazing place on earth) and get food and we all make a meal for all the volunteers that live in our house. Its really fun. We all cook together and listen to music. I really enjoy it and look forward to it each week. When I first came to thailand I went out almost every night but now its really nice to stay at home and really get to know the people that work here and live here it so interesting. So as usual all is well and im still having an amazing time. Im worried my dad is going to have to fly over here and drag me home kicking and screaming...

Tomorrow I go on my visa run and its bringing lots of mixed emotions...I have been here for 3 months which means there is only 3 left. The last 3 nights my roommate and I have been up all night talking about how this is our life now and we cant leave here. I feel like ever since I got here all these people and the orphange have slowly seeped into me and im not just watching and experiencing all of this anymore its so much more than that. Its changing my life everything here is becoming a part of me and I feel like if I leave here I will be leaving a huge part of me. Its a really hard to say how you want to live your life and actually live your life that way. I feel like here I live the way I believe and how I think is right. But when I go home that way of life will get skewed and I know I will try but to live in America is so much different than here.
I dont know how to live my life if I dont see ohm ( my baby at the orphange) everyday. I cant imagine a life without her. I dont want to miss one thing in her life. I know its sounds stupid but I was talking about this with some other volunteers feeling the same things and we all feel like we have a responsiblity with our babies. All of oms life people left her and walked away and how can I go and do the same thing to her.I know it sounds crazy but I feel so at home and right here I dont know how to leave...

I have been here for almost three months and I feel like I have really started to grow up. But in the process I feel like I really am learning a lot about people. I have met so many people here with such different personalitys. I am really starting to understand people better and be more tolerant of the way people are and understand that there is always a reason for the way people act and though it can seem mean and wrong there is always more to the story. Living with all the people I have been living with the last few months has really helped me be more tolerant and understanding of all types of relationships and people.
I am learning so much about these new people but at the same time I have learned a lot about the people I have known my whole life and though I have known them my whole life I feel like something happened somewhere in the middle and I dont know them at all anymore. I feel like some of my relationships have been on pause for the past 5 years and are slowly starting to come to life again while at the same time others are coming to a shocking hault, and others are chugging along like always. Steady and strong. It's so strange how you can know someone for so long yet not know them at all. I think that its all a process and sometimes you have to go through the hard way to make it better and stronger in the end but its a hard road to stay on and understand.
I have been thinking about relationships with people a lot lately after talking to the nannies and older orphans about how every 6 months new volunteers come and they have to say goodbye and start all over again. It must be so hard to have to build new relationships every six months but then I always think of a quote I read somewhere once it was something like this "some friends come into your life for a reason, some for a season and some for a lifetime." and I can think of all the friends I have had and who has come and gone and all of the different ways each one of them has helped me. Whether I knew them for 6 months or 19 years all the people I have know have each taken a part in shaping me into me. Some stay and others go but they all had a little effect on me. Just like the nannies and orphans here I have learned to love them all and they have helped me and I hope that I have given them something in return and I know that in the next group to come someone else will give a little piece of themselves to this place and these people and we will all change each others lifes for a lifetime.

This weekend 3 of the other volunteers and I went to Bangkok and it was great. Last year when I went to bangkok I hated it. I thought it smelled bad but im used to that now becasue Thailand just smells. But I also didnt like the people and it just didnt feel welcoming. But this time it was totally different. We left Saturday after work and took the bus for 2 hours there and as usual I slept the whole way. We were meeting one of the orphans there that is now 23 and goes to school in Bangkok. When we got off the bus he was there waiting for us and he was so excited to see us so that was great. We decided to go check into out hostel first so we got on the train thing and went to the place. I went with all the Danish girls so it was a Danish youth house place that just has a bunch of bunkbeds in a big room and it only cost us 90 Bat a night which is really cheap plus it was all young kids staying there so we met a bunch of cool people there. It was really fun except my bed had bugs in it or something becasue I got like 20,000 bites.
After we had checked in we went to carson road which is like backpakers paradise. Its this huge street with really cheap food, clothes and cool bars and all the backpackers go there so its just all forginers that are in their 20s traveling. We met so many people it was so fun and we ate at this little street kitchen and it was the best Pad Thai I have ever had in my life. We met a guy from New Zealand that was really cute and had been traveling for a few weeks in Thailand and I had all my New Zealand pictures on my camera. It seem like so long ago that I was there. So that was really fun. We ate and danced and then went back to our hotel and met more people because they have this common room there with pool tables, a bar, a huge Tv and stuff so we hung out there and them went to bed. The next day all the Danish girls wanted to shop shop shop and let me tell you did we shop....for 7 and 1/2 hours. We went to this HUGE HUGE HUGE market. It was huge they sell everything you could possibly imagine! EVERYTHING. It was really cool and I met the first American person I have met since I have been here. He came here when he was 22 for a 3 week vaction and ended up never going home. He has been here for 4 years now...I told him that he was my moms biggest fear. That I would come to thailand and never come back and he said everytime he calls home his mom beggs him to come home.I thought that was funny. So we shopped at the market for forever and they bought about half the place and as usual I didnt buy anything and then around 8 we had to go home so we got back on the bus and headed home. But on out bus ride two guys in the back got in a full on fist fight and were beating each other up and no one knew what to do and it was scary but then funny but we all made it home alive.

During my first week here I had about 3 volunteers who had been here tell me that this was an amazing place and that one of the most important things they learned here was how to love in a completly new and different way. In the past week I have really started to experience that. In the begining in the baby room I really connected with one of the little girls and though I played with all of them I spent most of my time with her. But in the past month I have been really getting to know all the babies and I love them. I am a person who throws the word love around. I love ice cream, I love candy candy, sunny, summertime. But this is a whole different kind of love. I have gotten to know all of them. They have such strong personalities and are all such different people. Its amazing. I love all of their sweet faces so much I cant believe that someone could give them up. The more time I spend with them I am in shock that a parent could ever give any child away no matter what the circumstance. When I think about them and that their parents are missing out on watching them grow up breaks my heart. But also at the same time I have a very hard time watching when some of the parents come and visit. Today a dad came to see his 2 year old son and the boy was soooo sad when his dad left again and he just cried for hours. It broke my heart. But more importantly how can a father just walk away from his baby and just turn his back? The other thing im starting to see is that I get really attached to the babies and then we find out they are getting adopted and it should be happy but all of the nannies and volunteers get so sad. In the end im sure its happy but I dont feel like if they grew up in the orphanage they would be missing out on anything. Today I found out that Pom Poi one of the little girls I play with a lot is getting adopted and about 5 others in Decemeber and I will miss them so much. Before I came here I thought that 2 parents a mom and a dad was the best way to raise a child. But now when I see how happy all these "orphans" are with 50 moms and 50 dads and 300 brothers and sisters. Really none of them are orphans at all. They have more family than anyone I know. It's going to be really hard to leave all of the babies...I love them like I have never loved anything before.I would do anything for any one of the babies as if they were all my own.

Today is Thanksgiving! I tried to explain it to my classes and they all just looked at me confused and like I was crazy. Since im the only American here no one else knows what Thanksgiving is so it looks like I will be eating rice for dinner. yay something new and different! So everyone better eat TONS AND TONS of green bean casorole for me!!! I can't belive that last year Meghan, Taylor and I were in New York City! That seems like a lifetime ago. A lot can happen in a year. We made such a good dinner. It was really fun I wish they were here to cook dinner with me again.
I have really gotten into a routine here in the last few weeks and I havent had much to write about because I just do my daily routine go to bed and then start over. I am still really loving everything though. There was only one trama this week. We have a cat at the house I live at, that a previous volunteer adopted and when she when home I said I would take care of it. It is a little cat and only has 3 legs and needs someone to love it. But 2 of the other poeple that live a the house HATE it!! So we try to keep it outside but it dosent like it out there. So at the meeting this week our boss said that we has to get rid of it becasue the 2 other girls hate it so much. So one of the other volunteers and I are trying to find it a home but im really sad because I like it a lot and its an orphan and we are at an orphanage so it should get to stay but no one else agrees with me. So I am searching for a home. So if anyone wants her I will send her to you! Hopefully we will figure something out soon.